How Much Sex is Normal in a Long-Term Relationship? Are You Living in a Sexless Marriage?

As a therapist specializing in sex and love, I hear a lot about people’s sex lives with their partners—and sometimes, their escapades without. It still shocks me when clients share that it’s been years since they’ve been intimate with their partner. I often find myself wondering why people stay in relationships when they aren’t happy or getting their needs met.

How Much Sex is Normal?

First things first, let’s tackle the question everyone’s wondering about: how much sex is normal in a long-term relationship? The answer is as varied as people's tastes in movies. Some couples are like action movie buffs, always ready for some excitement, while others prefer the occasional slow-paced drama. On average, married couples have sex about once a week, but remember, averages can be misleading. What’s most important is that both partners feel satisfied with their level of intimacy.

Are You Living in a Sexless Marriage?

A sexless marriage is often defined as having sex fewer than ten times a year. If this sounds like your situation, don't panic. You're not alone, and there’s hope.

Why Stay in a Sexless Marriage?

So, why do people stick around when things go dry in the bedroom?

1. For the Kids:  Many stay together for the sake of the children, believing that their happiness and stability are more important than their own sexual fulfillment. Fears of using the children in a messy custody battle if often at the forefront of people’s minds when thinking about separating.

2. Financial Reasons:  Leaving a relationship can be financially daunting. Shared mortgages, bills, and lifestyles can keep couples together. For some, the end of a relationship means loosing their home, half their super and the life they have worked so hard for. For others, it’s the starts of having to go back into the workforce and be fully self supporting.

3. Fear of Being Alone:  The idea of being single again can be terrifying. Better the devil you know, right?

The dating scene these days can be brutal, getting ghosted, love bombed or just getting sucked into the vortex of swiping can feel overwhelming and disheartening.

4. Avoiding the Conversation:

Sometimes, it's easier to ignore the issue than to face it head-on.

People are scared to talk to each other, not realising that part of intimacy is having challenging conversations.

5. Low Libidos:  If both partners have low libidos, it may not feel like a big deal. They might just be enjoying the cuddles and companionship. This is however rare and most of the time their is one person in the relationship feeling hard done by, pardon the pun.

The Real Issue

While sex is only a small part of an intimate relationship, it’s the part that signals you’re more than just friends or roommates. If two people both have low libidos, it isn’t a big issue. But if this isn’t the case, it can put a huge strain on the partnership, affecting every other area of intimacy.

Breaking the Silence: Let’s Talk About Sex

Sex might be a small part of the relationship pie, but it’s often the cherry on top. Unfortunately, talking about sex is still a taboo topic for many couples. It’s easier to discuss the state of the fridge than the state of the bedroom.

Starting the Conversation

Bringing up sex doesn’t have to be as awkward as a first date, remember this is a person your spending your life with. Here are some tips to get the conversation going:

1. Set the Scene:  Choose a relaxed time to talk, not during a heated argument or while one of you is busy with something else. A lot of couples get this wrong, letting out their resentment during an argument which leads to defensiveness and definitely not a turn on.

2. Be Honest and Kind: Express your feelings without blaming your partner. Try saying, "I miss being close to you," instead of, "Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?"

3. Listen:  Let your partner share their perspective. You might discover that they're just as concerned as you are. Practice being curious.

4. Seek Solutions Together: Discuss what you both want and how to get there. This might include scheduling time for intimacy or trying new things.

When to Seek Help

If talking about it isn’t improving the situation, consider seeking help from a therapist who specializes in sexual and relationship issues. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help identify underlying problems and suggest effective solutions.

Sex is more than just a physical act; it's a vital part of emotional intimacy. While every couple’s “normal” is different, if you find yourself in a sexless marriage and it’s causing distress, it’s time to address it. Remember, talking about sex doesn’t have to be serious and somber. Breaking the silence and reconnecting with your partner is a step toward a healthier and happier relationship. After all, you both deserve it.